i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
