fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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