i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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