How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
