its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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