I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
