it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
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therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
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Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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