I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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