MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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