i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
