my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
