I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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