I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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