Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
