God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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