i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
