Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
