Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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