i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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