i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
