Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
