would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
