I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
