I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
