tonight lets celebrate not being married
How's work?
Spinning.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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