i wish my penis had a tongue
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
