put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
