you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Randomize
