tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She's the barista slut.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
