Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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