My nipple is on Facebook.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
