fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Randomize
