Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Randomize
