YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
