If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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