Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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