Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
