I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
