dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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