So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
That accounts for only three of the penises
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
