At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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