I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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