My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
