I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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