i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
