: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
