if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
