Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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