not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
