Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
