Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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