why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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