if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
